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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653300">i'll be behind you, one step back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedlyklaining/pseuds/wickedlyklaining'>wickedlyklaining</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, talk about dean in hell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:07:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653300</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedlyklaining/pseuds/wickedlyklaining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel opens the door and walks the five steps to Dean’s door, counting each step and hoping tonight he can make the nightmares stop.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'll be behind you, one step back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is the first fic i've managed to finish in a long while. my head wasn't really in a good place to write and i've missed it so much! i'll thank november 5th for that and also all the wonderful spn writers i've been reading lately. you inspire me! okay, i'll try to be around more often. xo</p>
<p> </p>
<p>title from Heize's "Can you see my heart?", OST from Hotel Del Luna.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean has nightmares. </p>
<p>The walls of the bunker, thin as paper for Cas’ shimmering grace, do little to conceal the gasps and sobs that break through Dean’s body as he squirms in bed alone. The silence that stretches along the corridors of the bunker has become a symphony of out of tune instruments, claws against glass and rattling metal burning under hell fire. It has become torture and yearning, and even if Castiel knows the only sound outside his door is Dean’s ragged breathing being carried by the air, it hurts him and envelops him like blazing flames burning his grace and turning it to ashes. </p>
<p>Between Dean’s bedroom and Cas' attempt at one, there’s only silence that hurts. </p>
<p>Silence that keeps them apart.</p>
<p>Silence that makes Dean’s cry for help louder and painful.</p>
<p>Castiel opens the door and walks the five steps to Dean’s door, counting each step and hoping tonight he can make the nightmares stop.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><em> “Sam!” </em>Dean screams, raw and real. </p>
<p>Cas presses two fingers to Dean’s forehead and he goes limp. His head rests now comfortably on a crinkled looking pillow and his fingers are no longer clenched in fists. Cas wonders briefly if Dean even notices the change, if he notices when his dreams go from pain and darkness to wide open spaces with green grass and a fishing pond, to the bunker’s kitchen with Sam and Jack helping him cook, to an empty highway as he drives his car with Cas on the passenger seat, windows down and wind blowing their hair. </p>
<p>Cas wonders and lets himself believe that maybe Dean has noticed but is too polite to say anything.</p>
<p>He takes one last look at Dean’s features, relaxed, peaceful, <em> beautiful </em>, and turns to leave. </p>
<p>He’s stopped by gentle fingers on his wrist.</p>
<p><em>“Stay.” </em> Dean whispers half asleep, voice soft and groggy with sleep but pleading enough to make something ache inside Castiel’s chest.</p>
<p>Cas stops and ignores the tingling feeling that Dean’s fingers leave on his wrist. He sits down on the bed and watches Dean sleep. </p>
<p><em>“Always.” </em>Cas whispers when he’s convinced Dean won’t hear him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The second and third time,  Dean grabs Cas’ hand and pulls him down, a ‘stay’ phantomly painting his lips. Cas sits down, Dean’s bed receiving him with a strange familiarity, and risks running gentle fingers through Dean’s hair. </p>
<p><em>“Of course.” </em>He says.</p>
<p>Dean doesn’t hear him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>On night twelve Dean calls for Mary. It takes longer for him to calm down when he dreams about her and it isn’t until Cas gently takes one of his hands and laces their fingers, letting his grace travel through Dean’s body, that he relaxes and goes back to the dream where he and Sam are sharing a piece of pie while their mother hums a sweet, unknown melody. </p>
<p>Cas treasures that dream because it’s one of Dean's favourites, it’s the one that breaks through the fear and fills Dean with a sense of peace faster, more effectively. And Castiel knows it works because he crafted it himself, pouring it all into the details, into Mary’s eyes, soft and crinkled at the corners, into Sam’s toothless smile and wild disheveled hair, into Dean himself, unafraid and innocent, oblivious to the real world outside of that very dream. </p>
<p>Cas leans down and kisses Dean’s fingers, a promise to take him to that one dream as much as possible and whenever he needs to. </p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ll watch over you.” </em>
</p>
<p>Dean, oblivious in his dream, doesn’t hear him. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Night twenty three and twenty four are the worst so far. Dean claws and squirms, he yells and kicks aimlessly, his face twists and Castiel <em> knows </em>. He knows it’s hell haunting him, unknown souls chasing him and catching up to him, tearing him apart and shredding every part of his soul into unrecognisable pieces. </p>
<p>There’s not much Castiel can do those nights because his grace can chase away fears but not memories. Memories are engraved into Dean’s mind as much as Sammy’s smile or the sound of Jack’s laughter. </p>
<p>Memories keep coming back and Castiel can’t do much to fight them from the outside. </p>
<p>Still...he will try. </p>
<p>He drops next to the bed and places a gentle hand right above Dean’s heart, wild and thumping against his ribcage. There’s sweat trickling down Dean’s neck and damping his shirt, Castiel doesn’t care. </p>
<p>He leans down and presses chapped, warm lips to Dean’s forehead, he stays there for just a few seconds before pulling back. </p>
<p>“I’m here, Dean. You’re safe.” He says, not louder than a whisper. </p>
<p>And there, kneeling down next to Dean, Castiel prays that some of his words make it through the darkness and the pain.   </p>
<p>He prays and he prays. <em> “Please, come back to me.” </em></p>
<p>Dean, drowned in broken screams, surrounded by darkness, doesn’t hear him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>On night thirty five Dean wakes up. </p>
<p>“Cas!” he sits up and opens his eyes, tears threatening to fall down. His chest heaving as he struggles to breathe.</p>
<p>Cas doesn’t move from where he’s sitting next to Dean, he presses a hand to Dean’s chest, as he has done countless times before, and looks him in the eye. “I’m here, I’m fine.” </p>
<p>Cas’ grace shimmers as Dean’s yearning grows. </p>
<p>“You were dead.” Dean chokes as the words leave his lips. “They killed you and I couldn’t…” he takes a shuddering breath and ducks his head, a few rebel tears spilling out and staining his shirt.  </p>
<p>“Dean.” </p>
<p>“I lost you Cas.” Dean’s voice is small, scared that if he says it loud enough it will become true. “Again and again. I watched you die.” </p>
<p>Cas recognises Dean’s pain and it takes him back to Naomi and Dean pleading for his life over and over again. </p>
<p>
  <em>I watched you die too. It killed me. I understand.</em>
</p>
<p>“Dean.” Cas repeats, his hand traveling from Dean’s chest to the side of his neck and then to cradle his cheek. “I’m not leaving you.” </p>
<p>Cas is surprised when Dean collapses against his chest, arms wrapping around his shoulders, his mouth firmly pressed against Cas’ neck. He can feel the ghost of Dean’s breath when he whispers: ‘please’.</p>
<p>Cas pulls Dean closer and nods. </p>
<p>
  <em>Always. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Of course.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’ll watch over you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Please, come back to me. </em>
</p>
<p>With nothing but silence surrounding them, Dean hears him. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The nightmares don’t stop but on night forty, when Dean wakes up sweating and looking for something to anchor him, Cas is already there, wrapping his arms around him, fingers carding through his hair and soft lips kissing his cheek. </p>
<p>“I’m here.” Cas whispers. </p>
<p>“Cas.” Dean lets out, laying back down and clinging to Castiel like a lifeline. </p>
<p>Cas pulls him in and holds him all night, an unspoken ‘I love you’ hanging in the air. </p>
<p>Dean hears it. </p>
<p> </p>
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